Exploring my thoughts.

Hubby and I had a small argument last night, and I’m trying to process our reactions. It had to do with the series Brothers and Sisters and a comment DH made while we were watching this weeks episode.

The offspring of one of the brothers had been conceived through the donation of sperm by one of the the other two brothers. Up until this episode the brothers had no idea which brother was the sperm donor, but when the conceived child fell ill they needed to find out. So my husband makes the comment, “Oh now that they know which brother it is they better watch out that the wife and donor don’t run off together” WHAT!!!!

Okay, let me start this by saying that I know it was a stupid comment, and I also know that a few glasses of wine had contributed to the STUPIDNESS of this comment. But come on people!!! Needless to say I reacted very badly, he told me I was over reacting and I went to bed.

This morning hubby still maintains that I was overreacting, saying that “It was just a show” Well yes I know that it is just a show, that wasn’t the part that bugged me. It bugged me that we have gone through two DE IVF’s and he can’y understand why that comment would hurt me.

So this morning I am exploring why. I admit it was an overreaction on my part, but it really pushed a button in me. I’m thinking that even though we have come this far down the road, using a donor is still a very sensitive and private topic for me. Yes, I have processed the issues to a certain extend, but I think that some of the my issues can only be dealt with to a point.

For example, I have accepted my ‘fate’ and I’m really grateful for the option, but I’m still sad that I can’t use my eggs. I can never be fully happy about it, and I’ll always wonder why and be little pissed off at the hand I’ve been dealt. Society puts a lot of emphasis on the importance of genetics and I do understand why, but it still seems shallow to me. Maybe, I’m a little pissed off with the norms that society dictates to us. Actually I am…..

7 Things about me you might not know…

Dee gave me this blog award. Thanks Dee!

Here are the rules:

1-Thank the person who nominated you for this award.

2-Copy the logo and place it on your blog.

3-Link to the person who nominated you for this award.

4-Name 7 things about yourself that people may not know.

5-Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.

6-Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.

7-Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they’ve been nominated.

Ummmmm……

1. I met my wonderful husband on a blind date and we were engaged three months later.

2. I used to do modern dance when I was younger. I was really involved in it and wanted to make it my career one day. Hence my love for the show ‘So you think you can dance?’

3. I used to be able to play the guitar.

4. I have the Gummy Bears on DVD!

5. When I run I look like a frog in a blender. My husband thinks it is hilarious.

6. I have been on antidepressants from the age of 16. I have thought of getting off them, but when I try I crash!

7. I can’t drink Sambooka, but I love licorice.

I tag everyone who has not been tagged yet!

Pissed off!!!!

I am so mad….at myself!!!!

As far as buying cars go I have now learnt. NEVER BUY A FRIGGIN RENAULT!

I have been thinking of getting rid of the car for a while because I just can’t afford to maintain it anymore. It needs its 60 000km service and I’ve been informed that this is going to cost me about R8000. In addition the electric window thingy on my passenger side has now broken so the window has fallen down into the door. This apparently is going to cost about R4000. Do I have that kind of cash …..NO!!!!

I thought I would take a chance and see what someone would offer me for a trade in R40 000.

I am so pissed off with myself for buying this car! I can’t believe that I sold my perfectly good Ford Fiesta for this expensive bloody CRAP!

Note to self: Less is more!

What is in a picture?

My mom left such a wonderful comment on my blog over the weekend. It was in reply to my Going Donor post.

I shared with Sian the agonies of ‘there will never be a little me.’ The reason we we made more comfortable was that the picture on the donor site was identical to a picture of her at 15 months. It really helped to have that visual. It is still in my diary as a symbol of hope for the future fet. It is all in God’s hands. X x

The comment got me thinking about the process of choosing a donor and how personal it is. I have had two donor cycles and in each cycle I choose my donor in a different way.

The first cycle was organised  by my clinic. I remember getting a call from my clinic out of the blue a year after I had my second failed IVF. The time spent waiting for a donor was both peaceful and painful. Peaceful because it gave me the time to come to terms with using donor eggs and painful because it gave me the time to come to terms with using donor eggs. And no that is not a typo! The conversation went a bit like this.

Nurse: Hi Sian, we’ve found you a donor

Me: Great, tell me about her.

Nurse: Well she is about your height and has blonde hair and green eyes. Apparently she is very intelligent. ( I think there was also something about her being Jewish in there)

Me: OK, I’ll discuss it with my husband and get back to you.

(For the purposes of this blog posting I have taken out the other ’stuff” we chatted about like syncing cycles etc.)

I discussed it with hubby, he was happy and we went ahead. Little did we know that this would NOT be our donor. There is a 1% chance that trigger will cause you to ovulate and loose most of your precious egg harvest, my donor was in the 1%. We got the call from the nurse and accepted that this was not our time………30 mins later we got a call from Dr J himself.  It went a little bit like this.

Dr J: Hello Mrs S, how are you?

Me: Well a bit sad, but ok.

Dr J: I know you are disappointed, but another opportunity has just come up. I have a patient going into theater in the next 30mins that wants to donate her eggs. Are you interested?

Me: Well what does she look like?

Dr J: Her hair is a bit darker than yours, but she is about the same height.

Me: OK I’ll ask my husband and phone you back.

And that’s how we chose our second donor. Sadly NONE of the stupid eggs fertilized. Donor cycle one…..over!

So we stayed on my clinics recipient list. We got another call in Dec 2007, but unfortunately we did not have the money to do the cycle.

By the time we got to our second donor IVF things had changed a bit. Our clinic had stopped looking for donor’s and had begun using donor agencies. I was quite pissed of about this at first because it added MASSIVE extra expenses on to the cycle. R20 000 to be exact! R15 000 for the agency and R5000 for the donor. But, what can you do? It’s this or nothing!

We had a choice between two different agencies and finally settled on the one because they had pictures of the donors as well as a profile. I was drawn to this idea because it made me feel more involved. My previous involvement  in choosing a donor was limited and this whole picture thing really sold me. I managed to find a donor who was not only very close to me in physical attributes, but also in personality. My co-ordinater at the clinic actually commented on it during our cycle. Which made me feel good.

Now you may think to yourself, it’s just a picture, but to me it’s so much more.Firstly it helps you to feel connected. A donor IVF makes you feel so disconnected. After doing your own IVF cycle and being involved in the scans, the injections and ER it is quite frustrating to have to sit around and wait for information. I don’t necessarily think that  that you need to have a picture to feel connected, but I do feel that your agency needs to help you feel connected with your donor. For me, the picture helped.  While your donor is going through stimms and you are waiting patiently you can think of her with some kind of image in mind. There was definitely  a huge difference in the connection and the involvement that I felt with DE IVF ONE and DE IVF TWO.

Closer to a decision.

Over the past week I have asked the opinion of nearly everyone I know and I think I am closer to a decision. In the mean time I have been irritating myself by going back and forth between the two.

At the beginning of my appointment at the clinic on Wednesday I was pretty sure that we were going go ahead with a Nov/Dec FET, by the end I was totally confused. The reason for my confusion was that I asked my co-coordinator if it would be okay to fly in my first trimester. This is because I have a confirmed trip to Dubai in February next year that I won’t really be able to cancel. She reckons that it is perfectly safe in a physical sense, however it may not be such a good idea mentally.

What if…..

I start bleeding before I go. I can’t cancel the trip I will have to go ahead with it.

OR

I start bleeding while I am there.

My miscarriage has left me in a very sensitive place. If I get my BFP again I’m going to want to wrap myself in cotton wool and retreat into my cave. So I’m not sure if a trip to Dubai is such a good idea when I’m in that state of mind. I am leaning towards waiting and doing transfer as soon as I get back.

I am also leaning towards this postponement because of all the stress and change I’m experiencing at the moment. I’m sure it would be better for my state of mind if I had moved office, been to the CCMA ( YES DEARS!) and stabilized the business. I’m pretty sure a BFN or miscarriage would push me over the edge if I didn’t wait out the storm.

So for now, my gut is telling me WAIT!

I know that there is never a good time, but I seriously don’t feel comfortable with doing this right now. What is a month or two?

On the fence

So I have an appointment at my clinic next week to discuss my FET. I really really want to do this, but I am so concerned about my timing. I keep going back and forth between just-do-it and be-safe-and-wait.

The stress surounding the business is my main concern. I know that there is never a good time to do these things and the business will always be a concern for me. However, at this particular moment now I am not even sure that there will be a business next year. Yes, it is that bad!!!

So let me say this, I’ll go an have my appointment with the clinic next week and go on the pill at the end of the month. After that I’m going with my gut.

My prayer at the moment is for god to make me feel comfortable with the timing I choose. I’m leaving this in his hands.

What will you do if it never happens?

The conversation took place with a very dear family member on Saturday night. He asked the question in a very caring manner and I actually had to think about the answer. But I find in being asked the question I was ‘forced’ to think about it properly. I am also pretty sure that I am in a better place now, allowing me to think more clearly about the question.

My answer was simple, although I’m not sure it can be called an answer.

At this point in time I still believe that it will happen for me. I am not near giving up and I can not imagine my life without children. To consider the answer to the question is not an option for me at this moment because I believe too much in the success of one of the next two attempts.  Truth be told, I would love to move on to adoption, but I have to accept that my husband is not. I am truely thankful for the opportunity to carry a child and to give my husband a chance to continue his genetics, as hard as it is for me to say goodbye to my own. 

Using donor eggs ‘feels’ like my answer, and I almost feel like considering a life without children would be like loosing faith in that answer. It would be denying that feeling that I have in my heart.

Maybe you are reading this and thinking that I am foolish not to consider the question. But I truely believe in working with the current reality before moving on to a ‘what if’. I’m sure that there will be enough time to think about it when I get there, and I don’t want to put any energy into the answer at this time.

I just can’t believe that my destiny does not include children. Maybe I am stubborn or spoilt, but I almost feel like it is my right.

I’d love to hear about where you are with this question.

Going donor

I have written very little about this topic and it’s been on my mind a lot lately. Ive been thinking about of a lot of things that I want to say about this topic that I need to say. For myself, others and those that have never thought about it before.

I have a few topics in mind that I will tackle over the next couple of weeks like;

1. Making the decision to go donor

2. Choosing a donor

3. Mourning your genetics

4. Getting to the other side

5. To tell or not to tell.

In addition I’d like to ask my dear readers a favour.

What have you wondered about going donor?

Is there a topic you would like to discuss or read about?

Leave it as an anonomous comment or e-mail me ssskrambled@gmail.com.

I want to hear your thoughts.

Change ….continued.

Time to exhale.

The last two weeks have been very difficult, but I’ve made it and I’m proud of myself. I’m proud of myself because I am TERRIBLE with conflict and I have managed to be assertive and un-emotional (on the outside). I’ve dealt with the issues head on and been firm. *pat on the back for me*

As I mentioned in my previous post there is a lot of change happening around me. The change has most come about as a reaction to financial crisis, but I am convinced that it is all going to work out for the best.

From the 1Oct I will no longer have an assistant and from 1 Nov I will be working from home.

These changes are huge and they mean that;

1. I’ll have to take on the crappy work.

2. I’ll have more freedom and flexibility.

I’ve never done this before and while I am looking forward to it there are a few negatives I’ll have to overcome.

1. Loneliness

2. Sticking to office hours – As in switching my computer off by 6pm.

But the positive outway the negatives;

1. No traffic!

2. Being comfortable in my own environment.

3. Having my dogs around to keep me company.

4. Being able to have a quick dip in the pool during lunch time.

5. Being able to cook supper slowly while I work and attend to other household chores in the background.

Generally, its going to be a nice change – I hope!

The reasons why I write.

I started my blog as a form of release and therapy. I never ever thought that I would be able to communicate in this way, so I’ve actually surprised myself and been delighted with what I have discovered.

My blog contains thoughts that I consider to be sincere and genuine. It’s my online diary, my confidant, my footprint! Lately I’ve been giving some thought to the reasons why I write and I came up with some answers. Allow me to share.

For feedback

I really enjoy the comments I get because they give me a chance to receive feedback. I really am interested in what you have to say. So if you don’t currently comment I’d love it if you would start.

As a note to myself

Sometimes I write just because I feel like it. Or because I want to record something somewhere, so I can acknowledge it. It’s a way of capturing time. I regret that I never kept a diary at the beginning of my journey because I’ll never be able to go back to that time and record my thoughts. There is something powerful about recording thoughts in the moment before the memories become fuzzy and blurred.

To organise my thoughts

Sometimes I have no thoughts, or I don’t know how to express my thoughts, so I slow down for bit. Sometimes I have too many thoughts and I can’t think about what I want to say the most. It’s these times that I find my blog a useful tool in organising exactly how I feel. I find that if I write it down I really need to believe it. Sometimes I need to ask myself tough questions to get the answers and it forces me to get perspective and clarification.

Just for me

Sometimes I write just for me. These are my most private thoughts and they are not always pretty. You are welcome to read, but when reading bear in mind that I am not writing this FOR you, I am writing FOR me. These are the types of posts that I come back to later to see where I have come from. Precious moments in time.