Closer to a decision.

Over the past week I have asked the opinion of nearly everyone I know and I think I am closer to a decision. In the mean time I have been irritating myself by going back and forth between the two.

At the beginning of my appointment at the clinic on Wednesday I was pretty sure that we were going go ahead with a Nov/Dec FET, by the end I was totally confused. The reason for my confusion was that I asked my co-coordinator if it would be okay to fly in my first trimester. This is because I have a confirmed trip to Dubai in February next year that I won’t really be able to cancel. She reckons that it is perfectly safe in a physical sense, however it may not be such a good idea mentally.

What if…..

I start bleeding before I go. I can’t cancel the trip I will have to go ahead with it.

OR

I start bleeding while I am there.

My miscarriage has left me in a very sensitive place. If I get my BFP again I’m going to want to wrap myself in cotton wool and retreat into my cave. So I’m not sure if a trip to Dubai is such a good idea when I’m in that state of mind. I am leaning towards waiting and doing transfer as soon as I get back.

I am also leaning towards this postponement because of all the stress and change I’m experiencing at the moment. I’m sure it would be better for my state of mind if I had moved office, been to the CCMA ( YES DEARS!) and stabilized the business. I’m pretty sure a BFN or miscarriage would push me over the edge if I didn’t wait out the storm.

So for now, my gut is telling me WAIT!

I know that there is never a good time, but I seriously don’t feel comfortable with doing this right now. What is a month or two?

On the fence

So I have an appointment at my clinic next week to discuss my FET. I really really want to do this, but I am so concerned about my timing. I keep going back and forth between just-do-it and be-safe-and-wait.

The stress surounding the business is my main concern. I know that there is never a good time to do these things and the business will always be a concern for me. However, at this particular moment now I am not even sure that there will be a business next year. Yes, it is that bad!!!

So let me say this, I’ll go an have my appointment with the clinic next week and go on the pill at the end of the month. After that I’m going with my gut.

My prayer at the moment is for god to make me feel comfortable with the timing I choose. I’m leaving this in his hands.

What will you do if it never happens?

The conversation took place with a very dear family member on Saturday night. He asked the question in a very caring manner and I actually had to think about the answer. But I find in being asked the question I was ‘forced’ to think about it properly. I am also pretty sure that I am in a better place now, allowing me to think more clearly about the question.

My answer was simple, although I’m not sure it can be called an answer.

At this point in time I still believe that it will happen for me. I am not near giving up and I can not imagine my life without children. To consider the answer to the question is not an option for me at this moment because I believe too much in the success of one of the next two attempts.  Truth be told, I would love to move on to adoption, but I have to accept that my husband is not. I am truely thankful for the opportunity to carry a child and to give my husband a chance to continue his genetics, as hard as it is for me to say goodbye to my own. 

Using donor eggs ‘feels’ like my answer, and I almost feel like considering a life without children would be like loosing faith in that answer. It would be denying that feeling that I have in my heart.

Maybe you are reading this and thinking that I am foolish not to consider the question. But I truely believe in working with the current reality before moving on to a ‘what if’. I’m sure that there will be enough time to think about it when I get there, and I don’t want to put any energy into the answer at this time.

I just can’t believe that my destiny does not include children. Maybe I am stubborn or spoilt, but I almost feel like it is my right.

I’d love to hear about where you are with this question.

Going donor

I have written very little about this topic and it’s been on my mind a lot lately. Ive been thinking about of a lot of things that I want to say about this topic that I need to say. For myself, others and those that have never thought about it before.

I have a few topics in mind that I will tackle over the next couple of weeks like;

1. Making the decision to go donor

2. Choosing a donor

3. Mourning your genetics

4. Getting to the other side

5. To tell or not to tell.

In addition I’d like to ask my dear readers a favour.

What have you wondered about going donor?

Is there a topic you would like to discuss or read about?

Leave it as an anonomous comment or e-mail me ssskrambled@gmail.com.

I want to hear your thoughts.

Change ….continued.

Time to exhale.

The last two weeks have been very difficult, but I’ve made it and I’m proud of myself. I’m proud of myself because I am TERRIBLE with conflict and I have managed to be assertive and un-emotional (on the outside). I’ve dealt with the issues head on and been firm. *pat on the back for me*

As I mentioned in my previous post there is a lot of change happening around me. The change has most come about as a reaction to financial crisis, but I am convinced that it is all going to work out for the best.

From the 1Oct I will no longer have an assistant and from 1 Nov I will be working from home.

These changes are huge and they mean that;

1. I’ll have to take on the crappy work.

2. I’ll have more freedom and flexibility.

I’ve never done this before and while I am looking forward to it there are a few negatives I’ll have to overcome.

1. Loneliness

2. Sticking to office hours – As in switching my computer off by 6pm.

But the positive outway the negatives;

1. No traffic!

2. Being comfortable in my own environment.

3. Having my dogs around to keep me company.

4. Being able to have a quick dip in the pool during lunch time.

5. Being able to cook supper slowly while I work and attend to other household chores in the background.

Generally, its going to be a nice change – I hope!

The reasons why I write.

I started my blog as a form of release and therapy. I never ever thought that I would be able to communicate in this way, so I’ve actually surprised myself and been delighted with what I have discovered.

My blog contains thoughts that I consider to be sincere and genuine. It’s my online diary, my confidant, my footprint! Lately I’ve been giving some thought to the reasons why I write and I came up with some answers. Allow me to share.

For feedback

I really enjoy the comments I get because they give me a chance to receive feedback. I really am interested in what you have to say. So if you don’t currently comment I’d love it if you would start.

As a note to myself

Sometimes I write just because I feel like it. Or because I want to record something somewhere, so I can acknowledge it. It’s a way of capturing time. I regret that I never kept a diary at the beginning of my journey because I’ll never be able to go back to that time and record my thoughts. There is something powerful about recording thoughts in the moment before the memories become fuzzy and blurred.

To organise my thoughts

Sometimes I have no thoughts, or I don’t know how to express my thoughts, so I slow down for bit. Sometimes I have too many thoughts and I can’t think about what I want to say the most. It’s these times that I find my blog a useful tool in organising exactly how I feel. I find that if I write it down I really need to believe it. Sometimes I need to ask myself tough questions to get the answers and it forces me to get perspective and clarification.

Just for me

Sometimes I write just for me. These are my most private thoughts and they are not always pretty. You are welcome to read, but when reading bear in mind that I am not writing this FOR you, I am writing FOR me. These are the types of posts that I come back to later to see where I have come from. Precious moments in time.

Change

Over the last few months I have been very unhappy in my job. I always enjoy it when I actually get to DO something like coaching or training, but the operational aspects of this business have been a nightmare lately.

We have had to endure two major financial drawbacks this year and it has effected us in a major way! The pressure has been unbelievable.

The most common thought I’ve had during this time is whether I should go and look for a job. My thinking is that I would not have the ‘headaches’ that I do now, leaving me more room to grow in my career. However, I would also have less flexibility when it came to actually getting pregnant.

So I prayed for change.

And I definately think I’ve been heard!

The process is very difficult, however I see now that it is the way forward. All those sleepless nights contemplating how I’m going to pay my suppliers, and agonising over difficult decsions and ‘what ifs’. Fighting with my business partner (who also happens to be my dad). It seems that all this may have been a process in getting to where I want to be.

By the end of this month I will have had three meetings that will move me to a better place.Two of them have already happened.

1. A meeting with some business partners that ends the relationship.
2. The process of retrenching my assistant.
3. Giving notice at our offices so I can begin working from home.

2009 has been a huge year of change and I’m quite interested to know what 2010 has in store for me.

One thing is for sure, it can’t possibly get worse.

Nearly home….

People, I’m exhausted!
But it’s nearly over.
We have trained 350 people and I am now busy with the train-the-trainer. Only two days left! I can do it! I can do it! I can do it! I can do it!I can do it! I can do it! I can do it! I can do it! I can do it! I can do it!

As I told you before it is Ramadan at the moment. This makes training a bit more of an effort as half the staff are fasting. Which means they have little to no energy.

It also means that the trainers are not allowed to consume anything in front of the staff out of respect. This includes water. So I find myself having to down water in the bathroom…..like a smuggler.

Oh well, life in Dubai…..almost home.

How to make an entrance!

This made me smile!!!!!

And life goes on.

So day one of training completed and I’m feeling more settled here.

I miss everyone so much, but I know the time will fly. Before I know it I will be at home.

There are definately a few things I do enjoy about traveling, so in order to lighten the mood from my last post here they are.

1. I can watch all the comedy TV I want. They actually have a whole channel dedicated to shows like Frasier, Everyone loves Raymond and How I met your mother. Heaven to me and a real pick me up.

2. The food, ahhhhhh man! I really have to control myself otherwise I really will roll home.

3. The diversity. Its so interesting to be surounded by all these different cultures and acents. Very refreshing!

4.No doing dishes, cleaning the kitchen, making dinner and more time to blog…..!

5. I know the management team well enough to be able to have a semi-casual conversation with them. So I’m not totally isolated.

6. There is no crazy chef sending me strawberry’s.

7. Can’t complain about chocolates on the pillow everynight.

Thats it, see I can try to be positive, I can I can I can!!