Shaz’s post really spoke to me the other day. It took me back to the beginning of the year, when we were all in a different place. It made me think about the friendships that have been formed along the way and how special they really are. This may be mushy……but gals this is for you!!

I can never fully know your pain because it’s yours.

You can never fully know my pain because it’s mine.

But I thank God for your friendship every day, because you’re closer to knowing than most.

And even if I can’t fully know your pain I recognise of it.

I recognise the sadness,

Loneliness,

Anger,

the frustration and hope.

Sometimes, I don’t know what to say.

Sometimes, I can only imagine the place you are in.

Sometimes, I say the wrong thing.

But my heart only wants success and happiness for you in any form.

One day, somehow, we will find that place!

And where ever that place is….we’ll celebrate!

This is dedicated to the wonderful woman that I have cried, laughed and drank loads of wine with

And an extra dedication goes to Joni, as she celebrates her sweet son Adam.

This is not a melodramatic-oh-poor-me post. I’m not looking for a pick me up or pity, I just feel shit! That is the only way I can explain it. Shit, shit, shit! And I have to get it out!

When I look back at 2009 I can only see failure. I really don’t know where everything went wrong, but it seems that it did and I am now sitting in a bad bad place. Sure I have had weeks when I have felt a bit better, but generally from my birthday (the day I had my third beta) my life seems to have gone from bad to worse. Or at least that is how I feel!

Fail point number one: My first miscarriage!

When I think about it it makes me want to cry. I still can’t really believe that it happened, and even though I know that I was just a statistic and I played no part in it happening, I still somehow feel like I have failed. No amount of telling me that it is not true seems to help. It hurt so much at the time and the hurt seems to have surfaced again. I suspect that it has something to do with how far I would be in my pregnancy now. Yet no big tummy, no baby room prepared…….

Fail point two: Closure of one of our businesses

Okay, this was mainly due to our business partners not pulling their weight. But in the end…failure! A project failed with so much wasted time and work that went into it. What a waste!

Fail point three: I started smoking again.

I have no good reason, but I am certainly disappointed in myself.

What is left is an really bitter feeling. I’m not sure if I have lost all faith in humanity and trust in the human race. I’m not sure if I need to toughen up or if I can justify these feelings. Maybe something in between.

What I do know is that my body is taking strain….The Shingles are back!

So I’m in Durban at the moment! I arrived here last night and flew in from Lanseria!

While unpacking my suitcase I realize a few things about national travel versus international travel. It’s so much better ….for me.

1. I can call my husband freely from my cellphone and not have to wait for him to come onto skype.

2. I can still watch my favourite TV programs.

3. I have local currency, which make life a little more comfortable, especially when you forgot to pack your face cream.

4. I don’t have to wait two hours for SA to wake up so I can speak to them.

5. The flight doesn’t destroy your energy levels.

I definitely prefer this!

Welcome welcome welcome!

Pull up a chair and make yourself comfortable.

We started our journey in 2003. I when off the pill and started to experience major period pain. We discovered later that this was because I had stage four endo….

Our FS at that time suggested a few timed cycles with clomid, but nothing happened.

My mom then suggested we have a second opinion – Just for fun! So we did!

My second laparoscope in 2004 showed extremely damaged tubes. Our FS sent us straight to IVF!!

By this stage we had also discovered that my FSH was high – 15. So when my first IVF failed we had the donor egg talk with my FS. At this stage it was just a possiblity. After my second failed IVF my FS sat us down and gave us the ‘official’ donor chat! What I loved about this FS was that he was so honest, even though the honesty hurt. He told us that from what he had seen, my egg quality was not good.

IVF one: 5 eggs, Two embryos.

IVF two: 7 eggs, One embryo.

So we went onto the waiting list and did an egg share the following year, unfortunately NONE of the donors eggs fertilized so we had to cancel the cycle. We took a loooooong break after that. We needed it!

In May this year I got my first BFP ever from my second donor cycle. Unfortuneatly we miscarried at seven weeks. It’s the most heartbreaking event I have ever had to endure.

We have four frosties from our last cycle. FET in Jan/Feb. Lets see what happens.

I’m so scared!

So I’ve been thinking a lot about what we should expect from a donor agency. I must say that the answer isn’t clear in my mind yet, but I would love to know what other people think and feel.

Lets talk about the cost. Yes it is high, my first reaction to this was one of surrender. What can you do! If it’s my only option, I’m really not going to argue about it.

Then I thought about it, some more and came to another conclusion. To justify this charge  the agency must have a lot of running costs to cover. I’m sure that advertising space does not come cheap and there must be a lot of admin to be covered. Then there is keeping in contact with the donors and staying in touch with the recipients. Fertility clinics do not recruit donors anymore because it is too much work. So surely there must be a lot of time that needs to be accounted for.

I thought that finding donors could be compared to recruiting the perfect candidate in a recruitment agency. Most people may say that R20 000 is a lot to pay for a recruitment agency to find you a candidate that will fill a junior management position. However, having had some experience in this I would say that it is justified.

In order to find this person I must,

• Advertise a lot. Then I’d have to sift through all the CV’s I received to shortlist a few possible candidates.
• Then I must phone each of them and set up an interview which will last about 30 minutes per candidate.
• After that I need to check their references and further shortlist the candidates I now have.
• These candidates will them be recommended to the client and will possibly be chosen to come in for an interview.

If I look at it this way then yes, I can see that the cost would be justified. However then I would expect my agency to;

• Provide me with a donor that I am comfortable with, for example, age, features, health etc.
• Provide me with a donor that has a good medical history and is in good health.
• Provide me with a donor that is reliable.
• Provide me with a donor that gives me the best chance possible at a pregnancy.
• Assure me that you will be in contact with my donor throughout my cycle, leaving me with minimal stress.

Food for thought. What do you think?

Hubby and I had a small argument last night, and I’m trying to process our reactions. It had to do with the series Brothers and Sisters and a comment DH made while we were watching this weeks episode.

The offspring of one of the brothers had been conceived through the donation of sperm by one of the the other two brothers. Up until this episode the brothers had no idea which brother was the sperm donor, but when the conceived child fell ill they needed to find out. So my husband makes the comment, “Oh now that they know which brother it is they better watch out that the wife and donor don’t run off together” WHAT!!!!

Okay, let me start this by saying that I know it was a stupid comment, and I also know that a few glasses of wine had contributed to the STUPIDNESS of this comment. But come on people!!! Needless to say I reacted very badly, he told me I was over reacting and I went to bed.

This morning hubby still maintains that I was overreacting, saying that “It was just a show” Well yes I know that it is just a show, that wasn’t the part that bugged me. It bugged me that we have gone through two DE IVF’s and he can’y understand why that comment would hurt me.

So this morning I am exploring why. I admit it was an overreaction on my part, but it really pushed a button in me. I’m thinking that even though we have come this far down the road, using a donor is still a very sensitive and private topic for me. Yes, I have processed the issues to a certain extend, but I think that some of the my issues can only be dealt with to a point.

For example, I have accepted my ‘fate’ and I’m really grateful for the option, but I’m still sad that I can’t use my eggs. I can never be fully happy about it, and I’ll always wonder why and be little pissed off at the hand I’ve been dealt. Society puts a lot of emphasis on the importance of genetics and I do understand why, but it still seems shallow to me. Maybe, I’m a little pissed off with the norms that society dictates to us. Actually I am…..

Dee gave me this blog award. Thanks Dee!

Here are the rules:

1-Thank the person who nominated you for this award.

2-Copy the logo and place it on your blog.

3-Link to the person who nominated you for this award.

4-Name 7 things about yourself that people may not know.

5-Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.

6-Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.

7-Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they’ve been nominated.

Ummmmm……

1. I met my wonderful husband on a blind date and we were engaged three months later.

2. I used to do modern dance when I was younger. I was really involved in it and wanted to make it my career one day. Hence my love for the show ‘So you think you can dance?’

3. I used to be able to play the guitar.

4. I have the Gummy Bears on DVD!

5. When I run I look like a frog in a blender. My husband thinks it is hilarious.

6. I have been on antidepressants from the age of 16. I have thought of getting off them, but when I try I crash!

7. I can’t drink Sambooka, but I love licorice.

I tag everyone who has not been tagged yet!

I am so mad….at myself!!!!

As far as buying cars go I have now learnt. NEVER BUY A FRIGGIN RENAULT!

I have been thinking of getting rid of the car for a while because I just can’t afford to maintain it anymore. It needs its 60 000km service and I’ve been informed that this is going to cost me about R8000. In addition the electric window thingy on my passenger side has now broken so the window has fallen down into the door. This apparently is going to cost about R4000. Do I have that kind of cash …..NO!!!!

I thought I would take a chance and see what someone would offer me for a trade in R40 000.

I am so pissed off with myself for buying this car! I can’t believe that I sold my perfectly good Ford Fiesta for this expensive bloody CRAP!

Note to self: Less is more!

My mom left such a wonderful comment on my blog over the weekend. It was in reply to my Going Donor post.

I shared with Sian the agonies of ‘there will never be a little me.’ The reason we we made more comfortable was that the picture on the donor site was identical to a picture of her at 15 months. It really helped to have that visual. It is still in my diary as a symbol of hope for the future fet. It is all in God’s hands. X x

The comment got me thinking about the process of choosing a donor and how personal it is. I have had two donor cycles and in each cycle I choose my donor in a different way.

The first cycle was organised  by my clinic. I remember getting a call from my clinic out of the blue a year after I had my second failed IVF. The time spent waiting for a donor was both peaceful and painful. Peaceful because it gave me the time to come to terms with using donor eggs and painful because it gave me the time to come to terms with using donor eggs. And no that is not a typo! The conversation went a bit like this.

Nurse: Hi Sian, we’ve found you a donor

Me: Great, tell me about her.

Nurse: Well she is about your height and has blonde hair and green eyes. Apparently she is very intelligent. ( I think there was also something about her being Jewish in there)

Me: OK, I’ll discuss it with my husband and get back to you.

(For the purposes of this blog posting I have taken out the other ’stuff” we chatted about like syncing cycles etc.)

I discussed it with hubby, he was happy and we went ahead. Little did we know that this would NOT be our donor. There is a 1% chance that trigger will cause you to ovulate and loose most of your precious egg harvest, my donor was in the 1%. We got the call from the nurse and accepted that this was not our time………30 mins later we got a call from Dr J himself.  It went a little bit like this.

Dr J: Hello Mrs S, how are you?

Me: Well a bit sad, but ok.

Dr J: I know you are disappointed, but another opportunity has just come up. I have a patient going into theater in the next 30mins that wants to donate her eggs. Are you interested?

Me: Well what does she look like?

Dr J: Her hair is a bit darker than yours, but she is about the same height.

Me: OK I’ll ask my husband and phone you back.

And that’s how we chose our second donor. Sadly NONE of the stupid eggs fertilized. Donor cycle one…..over!

So we stayed on my clinics recipient list. We got another call in Dec 2007, but unfortunately we did not have the money to do the cycle.

By the time we got to our second donor IVF things had changed a bit. Our clinic had stopped looking for donor’s and had begun using donor agencies. I was quite pissed of about this at first because it added MASSIVE extra expenses on to the cycle. R20 000 to be exact! R15 000 for the agency and R5000 for the donor. But, what can you do? It’s this or nothing!

We had a choice between two different agencies and finally settled on the one because they had pictures of the donors as well as a profile. I was drawn to this idea because it made me feel more involved. My previous involvement  in choosing a donor was limited and this whole picture thing really sold me. I managed to find a donor who was not only very close to me in physical attributes, but also in personality. My co-ordinater at the clinic actually commented on it during our cycle. Which made me feel good.

Now you may think to yourself, it’s just a picture, but to me it’s so much more.Firstly it helps you to feel connected. A donor IVF makes you feel so disconnected. After doing your own IVF cycle and being involved in the scans, the injections and ER it is quite frustrating to have to sit around and wait for information. I don’t necessarily think that  that you need to have a picture to feel connected, but I do feel that your agency needs to help you feel connected with your donor. For me, the picture helped.  While your donor is going through stimms and you are waiting patiently you can think of her with some kind of image in mind. There was definitely  a huge difference in the connection and the involvement that I felt with DE IVF ONE and DE IVF TWO.

Over the past week I have asked the opinion of nearly everyone I know and I think I am closer to a decision. In the mean time I have been irritating myself by going back and forth between the two.

At the beginning of my appointment at the clinic on Wednesday I was pretty sure that we were going go ahead with a Nov/Dec FET, by the end I was totally confused. The reason for my confusion was that I asked my co-coordinator if it would be okay to fly in my first trimester. This is because I have a confirmed trip to Dubai in February next year that I won’t really be able to cancel. She reckons that it is perfectly safe in a physical sense, however it may not be such a good idea mentally.

What if…..

I start bleeding before I go. I can’t cancel the trip I will have to go ahead with it.

OR

I start bleeding while I am there.

My miscarriage has left me in a very sensitive place. If I get my BFP again I’m going to want to wrap myself in cotton wool and retreat into my cave. So I’m not sure if a trip to Dubai is such a good idea when I’m in that state of mind. I am leaning towards waiting and doing transfer as soon as I get back.

I am also leaning towards this postponement because of all the stress and change I’m experiencing at the moment. I’m sure it would be better for my state of mind if I had moved office, been to the CCMA ( YES DEARS!) and stabilized the business. I’m pretty sure a BFN or miscarriage would push me over the edge if I didn’t wait out the storm.

So for now, my gut is telling me WAIT!

I know that there is never a good time, but I seriously don’t feel comfortable with doing this right now. What is a month or two?