This is not a melodramatic-oh-poor-me post. I’m not looking for a pick me up or pity, I just feel shit! That is the only way I can explain it. Shit, shit, shit! And I have to get it out!
When I look back at 2009 I can only see failure. I really don’t know where everything went wrong, but it seems that it did and I am now sitting in a bad bad place. Sure I have had weeks when I have felt a bit better, but generally from my birthday (the day I had my third beta) my life seems to have gone from bad to worse. Or at least that is how I feel!
Fail point number one: My first miscarriage!
When I think about it it makes me want to cry. I still can’t really believe that it happened, and even though I know that I was just a statistic and I played no part in it happening, I still somehow feel like I have failed. No amount of telling me that it is not true seems to help. It hurt so much at the time and the hurt seems to have surfaced again. I suspect that it has something to do with how far I would be in my pregnancy now. Yet no big tummy, no baby room prepared…….
Fail point two: Closure of one of our businesses
Okay, this was mainly due to our business partners not pulling their weight. But in the end…failure! A project failed with so much wasted time and work that went into it. What a waste!
Fail point three: I started smoking again.
I have no good reason, but I am certainly disappointed in myself.
What is left is an really bitter feeling. I’m not sure if I have lost all faith in humanity and trust in the human race. I’m not sure if I need to toughen up or if I can justify these feelings. Maybe something in between.
What I do know is that my body is taking strain….The Shingles are back!
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Come sit next to me honey…….
I totally get where you’re coming!
I am also feeling that this year was not a good one in a lot of aspects of my life as well Ginger!
So I am sending you a great big hug!!!
Massive massive hugs my friend!! I pray that 2010 is going to be a brilliant year for you!!!
Lots of love
xxx
Oh no – when your body cries out for help like that you have to give it lots of TLC. I’m not 100% sure what that looks like, but be kind to yourself.
It’s all so hard sometimes. Please don’t toughen up. Your feelings are completely justified. Take care.
Big hugs to you. It is so hard. I have also had a not very good year. You just have to move forward. Take some time out for yourself.
Thanks for visiting my blog. Look forward to reading about your journey.
ICLW
I know exactly how you feel! I hope 2010 treats us all better than this year did.
Please don’t be so hard on yourself. May next year be the polar opposite of this one.
ICLW
(((HUGS))) Sian. 2009 has indeed been an awful year. I refuse to hope that 2010 will be better, because for the last 5 years I’ve looked for to the next year with hope and aniticapation and it just brought disspointment. Don’t be so hard on yourself about the smoking, you stopped once, you can stop again. Just be gentle on yourself. As for your shingles, I’ve found that when you go through really tough times that your body does crash, like mine did now, I’ve had a serious bout of flu since saturday and I know it’s because of the shit I’ve been though this year.
i hated this year. and last year. you are not alone. I hope 2010 rocks.
I hated this year and 2008 come to think of it. Hugs!