I wrote this post about a month ago and I want to share it with you. I must admit that I didn’t press ‘publish’ on the day I wrote it because I was quite embarrassed about the way I felt. I was disappointed at how my feelings and actions had changed. But I feel that I want to share this with you now. I think it’s a pretty angry post and some may take offense, but others, that have felt the same will identify.
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My best friend has PCOS and is trying for her second child. She has been trying for about four months now and is currently doing a timed cycle with clomid. No trigger, just scan assisted, and progesterone from the day of assumed ovulation. She goes for a pregnancy test today and I really am hoping that it works for her this month. Really!
I went to go and visit her on Tuesday after work and she was telling me about how she really hopes that this cycle works. She doesn’t really feel like going through this again and it is very expensive (R1000).
To which I replied “R1000! Try paying R65 000 for a cycle and then see how you feel”
A few weeks before this I also snapped at her husband. She was chatting to me about going for a scan and starting her clomid.
His comment to all of this was ” Why does it have to be such a science experiement? Why can it just happen naturally?”
To which I replied, “BECAUSE SOMETIMES LIFE IS SHIT! SO SUCK IT UP AND DEAL WITH IT!”
Then this morning I realised. I have become insensitive! And now I am feeling a little guilty.
As someone that has been through a couple of clomid timed cycles should I not be much more empathetic about this. Shouldn’t I? If I think back to that time I can remember how difficult and emotional it was for me. But I kinda feel that ‘current me’ would want to give ‘the past me’ a little bit of a slap. Tell her to friggin get over it because there are things ahead that are going to hurt 10 000 000 more times than this.
I suppose what I realised is how much infertility has changed me and disturbed me. Maybe I should be a little more empathetic, but I am finding it really really difficult.
When you have faced,
1.Many invasive tests. HSG xrays, post-coitals, laparoscopes, scans, hysteroscopy’s.
2. An IVF – Which is hectic in it’s own right.
3. Facing and accepting that you will never have a child genetically related to you.
4. And then finally thinking you have won the race only to be knocked down.
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I’m not saying that the hurt is any different. I’m not saying that one treatment qualifies you for more hurt than the other.
There is a point that you get to when there are only a few people who understand. I must admit that sometimes I don’t even understand. I do not know how to talk myself down or comfort myself. It’s a very difficult place to be in and it is very difficult to describe it.
Tell me if you identify.
This is not about how much treatment you have had, or how long you have been on this journey. It’s about being in a space where your empathy levels have decreased and you are running on empty. There is no energy to get excited about other peoples cycles, no matter what they are doing. You are tired and it takes a lot of effort to go forward.
The feeling comes and goes. Some days you are just dandy and others you are JUST NOT!
Have you been there?
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tagged: Getting it all out!
I totally relate to what you’re saying. Its what I attempted to put across in my Bitchy Barbie post! Well said Sian!!!
yip, I know the feeling of no-one really understanding, its crap. You try and be supportive of others but sometimes its just too draining and you find speaking to yourself is alot easier than trying to explain things to others, probably not healthy either!
Absolutely. I have all sorts of uncharitable thoughts toward those who are relatively new to IF, until I remind myself that it was harder for me at that point than probably any other.
I am SO with you…everytime I am faced with yet another happy pregnant woman, I want to scream “Life is so damn unfair” I have even started to feel fear at all the BFP’s posted thinking…the odds are stacked against me as there have to be BFN’s as well….How do you keep the positivity flowing on bad days?
I know they say it is not the destination, it is the journey. Whatever!!!!…I think I have learned what I needed to by now surely? I have done lots of hard work on myself, my spirituality, etc – what else could these challenges be here for? Okay, if I am meant to be childless than I suppose acceptance is still a future hurdle. But what do you do about the niggling feeling that persists that keeps saying, you want to be a mother, you need to be a mother????
Grrrrrrr……time will tell I suppose xx
I have not only been there, I have lived there. Sometimes I tell people that I embrace my bitterness because there are times when I don’t even want to mitigate it. I just want to be grumpy and hateful and whatever. Other times I just want to feel normal and not so full of hate or envy.
In a similar situation, I host a peer lead support group. One lady joined us who is trying for number 4 after 3 easy conceptions. After 3 they decided to get a vasectomy then later decided they wanted more kids but the reversal didn’t go well and they were doing IVF. I thought I did a really good job about supporting her where she was at. I could understand and empathize that life has suddenly gone in a direction she couldn’t fix or control. I was pretty proud of myself.
Then I cried all the way home.
Ahh . . . we know what it is like to have it really go to sh*t, huh?
I relate to this everyday of my life.
xxx
I have not only been there Sain, I’m a major share holder in the property market down in “hopelessville.” Some days I feel like I cant breath or even move. Others days it’s just a dull ache in my heart. Today it’s like a red hot poker being twisted every few seconds. I know what you mean and I’m so heartsore that we have to live even one day like this never mind months, years…please God, not a lifetime…not for any of us!
I totally get where you coming from, I think that we all get there on this journey, if you’re on this road long enough it’s inevitable, We understand and it’s okay to feel that way, don’t feel guilty.
Big hugs xxx