On Thursday afternoon I went back to the clinic to have my office hysteroscope, just to make sure that the D&C left no scarring. While I was sitting on that couch in the waiting room where I always seem to sit I realised how much has happened in the last few months and how many different emotions I have felt sitting on that couch.
I remember sitting on that couch and feeling so good because I was pregnant. I have never ever felt as good as I did in those first couple of days. I felt like I had conquered the world, which in a way I had. It was my happy ending after six years of shit. Six years of watching friends fall pregnant all around me. Six years of tears and anger, of highs and lows. On that coach on that day I was so high on happiness. No one could touch me.
Little did I know that I would feel terrified on my next visit, which also happened to be my birthday (urgh). Sitting there having just had my blood drawn, for the tenth time, waiting the prescribed 45 minutes for my third beta. The number that can bring you right down from that high you were on. The number that caused me to spend the rest of my birthday under my duvet crying.
A lot of emotion has been experienced on that couch. That couch can be terrifying, intimidating, inviting and bloody fantastic!
The hysterscope showed a beautifully healed uterus, hopefully capable of holding onto a little embryo in September. We also got the results of the D&C back. No genetic problems and it was a little boy.
I love you my little Benjamin. To me you were so real even if it was for such a short time. I’m sorry you couldn’t stay. I will never forget you.
I get to sit on the couch again in August when I have to be scanned between CD2 and CD4. Then we started again. BCP in August and hopefully transfer of two frosties in September.
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Glad the hysteroscopy showed all clear!
My couch has seen me through lots of IF sleepless nights, then through many hours a day of half-consciousness during pregnancy. I’ve spent so much time on it that I decided that we needed a new couch to be more comfortable for the rest of the pregnancy and for the lounging with the babies.
I hope that in a few months your couch sees a similar transformation from IF buddy to pregnancy buddy.
Banjamin was & is real Ginger, you will never be alone again, a part of his spirit will always be with you!
Oh, the beta’s are such a roller coaster! I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope that the “frosties” hold your dream come true! Good luck!!!
-ICLW!
So good to hear you’re healed nicely. And I’ll be following your progress in September!
The short life of Benjamin will be remembered for a lifetime. And he most certainly was/is real!
Wow, I know exactly what you’re talking about with the waiting room. I haven’t experienced the ultimate “high point” yet, but I can only imagine. I’m praying for you…and hope that you’ll experience the high again in September, and that you get to feel it for the full 9 months.
ICLW
I am so glad that the hysteroscopy was all clear. I wish you all the best this upcoming August and September with transferring the 2 “frosties”
Thanks for your sweet comment over on my blog.
Tina
ICLW
A little boy, how utterly heartbreaking. So sorry for your loss Sian. Holding thumbs for your FET and hoping it results in a healthy lively baby with the cutest pink feet!
I guess we both have the same idea with our blog title…my heart goes out to you and I hope and pray that September’s transfer is a new beginning. ICLW.
As soon as I started reading your post, the image of the couch in my OB’s office came to mind. That black leather couch has seen me through some pretty crappy times. Here’s hoping that both of us get to be sitting there in happiness again sometime soon.
~ ICLW
I can totally relate Ginger. I think I’ve felt every possible emotion one can feel on ‘that couch.’ Heres hoping for happy ’seatings’ for you in the future months!