So an update on my emotional state is…..
After my last post I fell and I fell HARD and FAST.
I just could not stop crying and crying and crying….
I went home on Wednesday evening and CRIED. I got to work on Thursday, spent the morning looking at my computer screen and then….started the crying AGAIN.
I never ever could have imagined that this would be so so difficult to deal with. IT’S SO CRAP! I can’t even explain how CRAP it is! And noone can really do anything for you. I mean like REALLY REALLY do something!!!
They can provide small comforts that get you through, which I am so thankful for. But they can’t do anything to move you to a better place. And it seems that getting there requires lots and lots of tears.
At the begining of the week all I wanted to do was try again, BUT LIKE NOW. Like lets do embryo transfer RIGHT NOW!!
I kind of realise now that this was definately part of the grieving cycle. I had realised just what I was dealing with and my reaction was to do anything to reverse the reality. The reality that I was not pregnant anymore. That I can drink and smoke and go mad, and there is no little person there to look after. That little twinkle in your eye is gone. You aren’t ’special’ anymore.
Once you realise this you have to deal with it. Even though everything in you is resisting. Because, this can’t be happening. How could something so wonderful be snatched from you so harshly. These kinds of things don’t happen to me…..I have just heard of them.
When those tears are falling it is almost like your body is morning something that your soul hasn’t even acknowledged yet. It is preparing you to get there….To get to the place where the reality can settle into your brain and you can actual start to work with what you have. Start to acknowledge what has hapened and start to move forward…
Today I feel like I have taken a small step forward as a result of all the tears this week. I hated every moment of getting here, but now I can say that I have survived. Or I am surviving.
One thing is very clear …..this experience changes you forever. It is ugly and raw and cruel.
I know I’ll get to the otherside though. Just not sure what the other side is yet. One thing is for sure I can’t go back…..Even though I so badly want to.
NOTE: This is how I am feeling. If you feel that I am being overly moany or whiny then please keep it too yourself….If you identify with any of these feelings please tell me. Then I can at least know that I am not going completely mad.
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Firstly,
I can totally relate to everything you going through, I am also aboard this trying to conceive bus and so far have reached dead ends ie 2x bfn with ivf!!!
Hang in there babe… our goal will soon be realised.
Secondly lovely blog…
honest and heartfelt.
Overly emotional?! WTF? Excuse me, but you just lost a baby. Maybe a small baby. Perhaps you could even argue more “potential” than reality, but a baby nonetheless.
Never mind the enormity of that, now add crashing hormones to the mix. This is a very big deal. It isn’t easy and no one can really help. No one, not even you, can bring back that much, much longed for pregnancy. And it sucks. It sucks beyond the ability to really communicate.
Yes, I understand and I can identify with what you are feeling. I can only hope that you find some moments of peace in your grief. Know that I am here listening and holding you in my thoughts.
I am sorry.
Darling, what you’re feeling is normal… it’s a part of the grieving process!!! It’s good to cry, it’s good to grieve and remember if you feel like you’re hurting too much we’re here for you and if you don’t feel like speaking to us, a counselling session or two helped me a lot, it was a sort of debriefing.
And if anyone says you’re being moany send them to me, so that I can sit on them and squash them…. cause they have no clue!!!!
My friend you’ve been through a terrible trauma, both mentally and physically and I just pray everyday that God comforts you and keeps you close and helps you heal!! But it does take a while…
You know I’m here if you need a chat, rant or booze up!! Or just a nice soft fat shoulder to snuggle into and cry on!!
Lots of love my special Friend!!! Sending you lots of comforting hugs!!!
Ugly, raw and cruel indeed. I can definitely identify with your feelings, and although I sometimes feel on top of the world, other days like today I just want to cry and cry and cry. I also wish I could go back, but I can’t. I can’t even tell you that the hurt will end, but I hope it will, for both our sakes.
Thinking of you and praying for you all the time.
(((HUGS)))
I can totally relate to your feelings Sian, they’re not overly emotional at all and anyone who tells you that they are has obviously not experienced a miscarriage. It is a very painful experience and one you cannot ever imagine until you’ve had the misfortunate of experiencing it for yourself.
You’re right, it does change you forever, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing and the pain doesn’t go away, the raw gaping wound in your heart will begin to heal, it will form a scab and eventually make a scar, but it will be there forever….
You will survive, you are surviving, just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
(((hugs)))
Oh Sian my heart just broke reading this. I’m here if you need to cry, vent whatever.
You’re in my thoughts and prayers.
xxx
>> You aren’t ’special’ anymore.
Have to call you out on this – you are ALWAYS special.