The tenderness has not lifted. But I am trying to keep it together.
I think that 2008 has been a really difficult year, and it is needing to come to an end now. I need a clean slate and a new start and A BREAK. I have only had four days leave this entire year and I think that it is taking it’s toll. Then I have three major things hapening in my life at the moment.
1. Dealing with the constant drama surounding my brother.
2. Trying to manage a business with no support.
3. The thoughts in my head about my IVF in 2009.
My husband summed it up perfectly this weekend when he said. ‘There is too much drama at the moment, we have to cut one of them out’
I think we feel like shouting ‘ ONE AT A TIME PLEASE!’ We can not handle all of this at the moment.
Drama one
In a nutshell my brother has been a problem child from birth. I love him so much though. He has a BIG problem with alcohol and is possible bipolar. My mom is such a soft person that she lets him get away with most things, and my stepfather (his dad) deals with him in a very harsh way. So on Friday my brother lost his job (AGAIN!). This causes a HUGE explosion between my mom and stepdad….resulting in numerous phone calls from my brother and mother to …….ME! I seem to be the level headed force in the family. And as a result I get bombarded with phone calls asking for advice or ‘just to vent’. Now this is fine when it happens a couple of times in a year. But it starts to take it’s toll when it is a fortnightly occurence.
Drama two
Remember my sweet shop ‘business blues’ post. Well I am STILL dealing with it. Except I am starting to feel very unconfident about the situation. Unconfident in the sense that I am a failure. You see, I tend to take a farily hard aproach with business. If you don’t deliver you are out! Whereas I have had conflicting views from my business partner on this. Maybe I also have a very short fuse at the moment.
Drama three
Okay, it isn’t really a drama. It’s just an emotional experience. I’m sure that you know what I am talking about when I refer to the pain of a failed IVF. It is so raw and deep and destroying and you never forget it. So going forward with this I keep on thinking what if what if…….and I can’t handle it in my mind. I have mental checklists floating around in my head as well. Am I doing enough to prepare? Will I choose the correct donor? When should I start acupuncture? Blah blah blah blah.
At the end of the day I think I need a good old BREAK! I’m taking three weeks off in December and I’m gonna soak up the sun and read and RELAX.
But for now…….I’m on the edge!
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Ai tog, all the drama and this time of year when we are all tired!!!
So sorry about all your “dramas” – hope the solutions will become clear shortly!!
Regarding the emotional experience, I totally understand. To get another BFN is just not on, especially with donor cycles – I mean, then I want it to work!!!
GOOD LUCK !!!
Sian, I know this is way easier said than done but you need to take some time out for yourself and focus on you. It seems to me that you’re the one who fixes everything for others around you and that does not allow for much time to fix things for yourself… *sigh*
I’m sorry about your brother – sometimes tough love is the only thing that works for family… We had to be brutal with my half brother to get him sorted out and it still did not really work well…
You will choose the right donor, you will get acu started in time and you will be a Mom. Sometimes we just need to say it out aloud to re-inforce it to ourselves when we feel like we are “on the edge”.
Thinking of you and praying for you.
xxx
Can I suggest that you might consider starting acupuncture right away? Fertility aside, it really might help you destress. If I am not in a good place emotionally, I ALWAYS feel better after a treatment.
Any chance you could declare a break from emergency family phone calls? You may be the calm one in comparison, but your own reaction to the drama is not calm. They probably don’t realize that it’s taking a toll on you.
I have actually shouted “One at a time!” out loud, on multiple occasions. But I didn’t say please.
Hang in there!
Oh Ginger, I can so relate with the brother issues, only mine has a drug problem and is ADHD! Its a never ending battle, I can’t bare to see how it rips my family apart and makes my mother cry, it exhausts and stresses me out and makes me feel so helpless.
I suggest you start accupunture right away, if nothing else, it will help improve your overall sense of well being and aleviate some stress.
Hang in there and enjoy your vacation!