I’m sure that I don’t have to explain to any of my fellow infertiles how it feels to recieve one of ‘those’ comments. We have all recieved them and they range from uninformed to insensitive to just plain hurtful.
I have spent lots and lots of time raging internally over these comments. My husband/mom/best friend has tried to explain to me time after time WHY people say these things. (and thier explainations do make sense) But it never seems to ease the plain and simple RAGE I start to feel. If I’m honest I have spent hours imagining the owners of these coments being tortured and punished for their “crime”. I know I know…..it’s wrong of me to do this…..but it SERIOULSY makes me mad. And when I am mad…..I am mad!!!
Now a good way to release this RAGE would be to tell the person exaclty how you feel. But alas, this would end friendships, cause family fueds and generally make me look like a total bitch. So here it is on my blog…..at least it is some form of release.
1. “Just relax and it will happen”
Now this is probably the most popular of all the comments and having heard it so many times makes me wonder if most people skipped Biology in school. Or maybe I did, I really must go and check to see if there is a section on relaxing when it comes to human reproduction. I mean if people really mean this they must think I’m quite stupid. After all if it really was that simple, I must be a real idiot to have spent all this money and time on IVF’s.
What I really want to say is…….”Really! After five and a half years of trying I have NEVER thought of that. Thank-you so much I’ll action it immediatly!”
2. ” Just go on holiday and you’ll come back pregnant. I’m sure a trip to the Seychelles costs less than an IVF”
Again I must be a complete moron to have missed this in the Biology books. The reasoning behind this theory is that when you are on holiday you are relaxed. So this comment has a close connection with the previous one.
What I really want to say is…….” Really is there something special in the water over there, because if I could bottle it I could make a lot of money”
3. “My daughter tried for five years. Then she bought an off road bike to take her mind off falling pregnant, and she has just given birth to her son”
This comments shows complete ignorance. Firstly, it implys that you can switch your emotions on and off at will. Anyone who has truely experienced the reality of infertility will know that it is near impossible to take your mind off ‘it’. You never ever do, even if you are taking a break. This leads me to believe that – the off road biking daughter above -never had too much of a serious problem in the first place. I apologise if I offend anyone by saying that. Because everyone is different, but I certainly am not able to simply forget the hurt and despair I have experienced by purchasing something to ‘keep me busy’. This person obviously has no idea how much of a scar infertility leaves on your soul.
What I really want to say is…….” Hmmmm, So off road bikes have healing powers. Why didn’t you tell me sooner”
4. “Oh I just look at my husband and I fall pregnant”
*puke* Why do people feel the need to brag! I mean that is wonderful for you. But how does it help me? This comment is made of pure arrogance. It bugs me the most when people mention this as if it is a curse. It’s like telling someone who has cancer how irritating it is to always be healthy.
What I really want to say is…….”Aww, I’m so so sorry. You must be living in an absolute night mare”
5. “If I could concieve naturally I would take it as a sign that God didn’t want me to have children”
Ouch! Anyone who has ever recieved this comment knows what pure pain and anger it causes.I can’t understand why anyone would say this to anyone without the intention of hurting them. It is a very serious statement to make and I think that this kind of statment deserves a response. However I was just too shocked to give one when I recieved it.
What I really want to say is…….”You know you’re right. It was wrong of me to be so selfish”
6. From an ‘infertile friend’ ‘Don’t worry just relax and it will happen”
This comment hurt me the most.You would expect someone who has been through fertility treatment to have a certain level of empathy when it comes to woman going through the same thing. If you honestly feel this way you haven’t been through what I have been through. Congratulations on your pregnancy and good luck with the rest of your life. Bye bye.
What I really want to say is…….”I am too hurt to comment”
So, now I’ve said it!!
I’m sure you all realise that I would never actually say any of these things. But I think it gets rid of some of that residual AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tagged: anger, insensitive, stupid things people say
Great post! Here are my imagined answers to those situations, most of which thankfully have never happened to me because I am so hush-hush abotu IF. Also whenever I am actually confronted by something in real life I divert attention instead of addressing it head-on, so these are all purely imaginary. If it were someone that I know well and that I have told about my TTC, I might actually say them though.
1. For the first year I was relaxed. That didn’t work any better than freaking out has worked.
2. That’s occurred to me too. Since I started TTC I have been to 23 different countries. I haven’t gotten pregnant in any of them. Both of my pregnancies were created right here at home, in the doctor’s office or hospital.
3. The more-than-a-year that I stopped TTC to take my mind off it didn’t work for me.
4. Do you realize that your funny little comment comes across as either complaining or bragging to an infertile woman? It’s like saying to someone whose baby has died, “I just sat there and didn’t do anything and my baby lived!”
5. Some people think they will feel a certain way until they are faced with that reality. Personally, I do not think that I am the victim of a capricious Creator; I believed in free will and random chance before I had problems, and I still do.
6. Because of what you have gone through, I expected better of you.
Yes, I’ve definitely hear those comments along with a bunch of other really dumb ones, like come over here and I”ll show you how to do it properly!!! My husbands “friend” almost got a swift kick in the nads from me for that one!
But the most hurtful has got to be maybe you were just not meant to have children!
Been there done that constructed the I wish I had said responses… *sigh* The thing is that we do have to try (very very very hard) remember that the ppl who make these comments are either really stupid or trying in their moronic way to “help”….
That being said though they do sting and they are hurtful and you are 100% right to vent about them here!
Cheapest form of therapy I tell you!
HUGS!!!
Someone once asked me if it was perhaps that deep down inside – psychologically – I didn’t really want children. I ask you… First, I was too stunned to say anything, then still stunned, I said that I wouldn’t have been through all the treatments, spent all that money, if I didn’t want to have children, I turned and walked out the room. What I should have done was slapped her!
Great post! The one comment that hurt me the most is when a relative suggested that I was never supposed to be a parent otherwise God would have blessed me with a child. That hurt more than I could ever express. I do know that peoples intentions aren’t always mean, but really you can guard your tongue it’s not that difficult.
Hi there!
Believe me I know all about these stupid comments and I do reply back to them that we are trying our best and thats all we can do! If someone even starts with the “just relax” I either walk away, change the subject or drink more wine!
xxx
I think I’m gonna start using one standard response to all these comments: “Anyone for more wine?”
I would just like to add my two cents in to this conversation by stating that i have heard all of the following … but the worst is when someone comes up to you who already has children of thier own and then tries to get sympathy from you becuase they are haivng problems concieving thier third child. I just want to reach up and slap them .. really you are coming to me for sympathy …
you know it woulod just be better if most of them time people did not say anything at all i know they are just trying to help and be supportive but by the end of the conversation you feel even worse then you did when it started.