While lying in bed last night (staring at the ceiling) I realised a few things about myself.
I came to this realisation while thinking about my IVF journey and in connection with this my weight and health. My first thoughts were the usual WHY? WHY? WHY? followed by why haven’t i stopped fafing and lost the weight…..and stopped smoking?
Then I strated to think about all the battering I do to my own self esteem. While being so angry with the world and wallowing in the curse of infertility, I realise that I blame myself for some reason. It was definately a moment of clarity and quite liberating as I also realised that it can’t possible be my fault. I never asked for this and it is not my fault that it has happened. I have not done anything to deserve it and I am not being punished. It’s the way things go, and for the first time today I actually feel that it is possible. I have a bubbling insie me that says;
“YES! you will have a child”
“It is possible”
“You deserve it!”
……..and it feels good.
It’s like I am standing up for the first time and saying “No!” No to infertility and the emotional anchor you have tied me to. You will not allow me to believe that I am undeserving because I am. It has all been a horrible lie and now I have learnt the truth.
So for now I am picking myself up and smiling into the future.
I actually can’t wait until we have money to do our next IVF.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tagged: Infertility
YES!!! You have to have faith! Have optimisim! I am into this – there is learning that peoplc optimism can learn to be optimistic, like anything else. Optimism is about have goals and pathways to reach them; it is also knowing that not everything will work out as planned and that you might need different approaches. People who are optimistic live happier lives… Good luck!
Sian, I am so glad that you are in a better place! You DO deserve to be a Mom and you WILL be… it is all about faith and hope. My pastor said something in church last Sunday which I want to share with you, He said Faith is the substance of hope… You are in my thoughts and prayers!
Sam
xxx
Faith & hope is the stuff miracles are made of…
Keep it up, you just never know!
M
It is a wierd thing when we discover how we put ourselves down and how mean we can actually be to our selves. But i am glad you realise how mean you have been to your self and i hope you make friends with your self again. Sian, you deserve to have a baby and to be a mom more then any other woman i know. You want it and deserve it and most of all you have worked so very hard for a child! There us no reason emotionally or spiratualy that you cannot have one so we just need science to work this next time in your IVF.
My love and Prayers and thoughts are always with you!
Me
o how wonderful to read that you have faith and that you know you will have a baby! conintue to keep the faith and never blame yourself for this IF, its not your fault you did nothing wrong! its so easy to blame oneself but try remember always that you will be a mommy!