I had a friend in primary school that was adopted. She was never embarassed or ashamed about it. It was accepted in our group of friends as something natural. In fact it was more disturbing that her mother could not concieve naturally.This fact was mourned more than anything else and talked about in the same tone as you would talk about someone who had passed away in a tragic acident. We would say, “I really hope that it never happens to me” “Can you imagine having to deal with that”.
On reflection of this a few points come to mind.
The pain of the possibility of infertility was felt and acknowledged in a group of primary school girls. What does this say. Even as very young girls the importance of fertility has already been engrained in our brain. Society tells us that it is an essential part of being a woman and that it is our duty to provide children for our men. When you are a young primary school girl the idea of not falling pregnant naturally and easily is absurd. “That will never happen to me”
Actually thinking back infertility was never discussed not by our mothers, our friends or in Biology when learning about the reproducive system. It was maybe wispered about during tea parties and quickly shoved back under the carpet. Like something dirty that should never exist. Like a curse that should never be enflicted on anyone. Like something noone knew how to deal with. It was easier to talk about someone recovering from cancer.
This inturn made the infertile of today feel diseased and unaccepted. Like we are not proper woman, like we have denied our husbands of something. That we must have done something wrong to deserve this. That they don’t know how to deal with us……because something so horrible couldn’t possibly happen to anyone.
So as a result they offer well meaning advice ‘just relax’, ‘go on holiday’, ’stop thinking about it’. And the comments cut deep and they never leave the infertile …………ever and they are remembered forever.
“Your house is too small for a baby anyway”
“Just stop thinking about it”
“So do you think your husband will leave you now”
“Those fertility specialist are just trying to make money out of you”
Everyday I am more and more convinced that the all-wise all-knowing individuals that make these ‘beautiful’ comments can’t handle my simple truth. For some reason it is too painful for them and too sad for them. It makes them uncomfortable and they just can’t handle it.
The truth is that I can’t produce a child naturally. I have come far on this road and I hope I don’t have much further to go. I have come this far with the support of a selected few that have made an effort to try and understand. The truth is that I have to embrace and accept this fate and it has made me stronger than any of you will ever be.
The truth is you will never understand……..but you should at least try.
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I think people can never trely understand how you feel. I think even other infertile woman can feel similar to how you feel but no one will ever know how this has effected you Sian, because you are an individual and your reactions will always be different from other peoples. I know how the ignorant dissapoint and irritate you and i wish more people would try to understand you more. I hope i will always be someone who will try to understand.
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Wow Siam, that is quite a post, it hits hard into the heart of any infertile and I would like to think that any fertiles reading it will gain a small glimpse of what it feels like to have to go through this journey.
You are a strong amazing woman, and you are no less of a strong amazing woman cos you cannot conceived naturally, in fact in my opinion you are even more of a strong amazing women because of the growth this “defect” has caused you to go through. Embrace this truth.
Excellent post…I guess people can’t handle the truth, and that’s why we haven’t known the truth until it forced its way into our lives…I wish it were different, b/c so many people suffer through infertility, but it’s usually a shock for most, b/c we just aren’t familiar enough with it – we don’t accept how true it really is.
“Do you think your husband will leave you now”??? Did someone really say that to you? That’s one that I’ve never heard, and I’ve heard a lot of crappy things.
My mother had four miscarriages before she conceived me and I always knew about them. But she had me and my two sisters, and the knowledge that she had three of us was always the most prominent. The idea that staying pregnant, I guess on some level, was something that I kind-of expected might happen to me. The idea that I would have trouble getting pregnant in the first place was something that didn’t cross my mind until after the first year of our ttc came and went. Things worked out for us in the long run, but not before IF had done its damage and I’d heard lots of stupid things from people who just didn’t get it.