Just for a laugh.

If you haven’t discovered the series Flight of the Concords yet I seriously suggest you give it a try. It may not be for everyone as it is quite offbeat, but it never fails to make me laugh.

Here’s a scene from the first series.

Tell me what you think?

This is the plan….and I’m sticking to it.

If you were wondering when I was going to do my FET, you have come the the right place.

I have made the decision to stop smoking on the 1 Jan and go on the pill with my late Dec/early Jan cycle. That should mean that we can do a mid Feb transfer. We are going down to the coast over Valentines day, so I’m hoping that I’ll be in the TWW during that time. Not that I believe that relaxing has anything to do with a BFP! It will just be a nice, restful break.

I’m feeling ready now, and I am so glad I waited. Looking back it would have been a really bad decision to do my FET in Sep/Oct. There was so much that went wrong in my life then, it just wasn’t the right time. Although, I think the main problem is that I was simply not ready to do treatment. Something has changed in my heart recently and I now feel ready to go ahead. I feel ready to be pregnant again, whereas before the thought of being pregnant really stressed me out. I’m ready for hopefully a BFP and please please please doubling betas!

I will probably have to do some travelling after my FET.  Most of the projects I am working on have been moved out by a month or so. Mostly because people are taking their sweet time! This has moved my travelling out to March or April, but I’ve decided not to plan my FET around my travel. Work must fit in with treatment now! I have waited long enough.  The best thing is that I am getting lots of opportunities to work in SA, which possibly means that I can turn some offshore work down…….CHEEKY!

I’m not feeling 100% positive about this cycle. I’m not negative, I just really don’t know what to expect. Anything may happen.

We may get nothing to transfer.

We may get one or two embies, leading to a BFN or BFP!

I really don’t know.

I do feel that we will get a 2010 BFP though! We have decided that if we get a BFN for the FET we’ll go straight into a fresh cycle. I have a feeling that between the two cycles we’ll get our BFP. Hopefully on the FET, but if not then the fresh.

I dare say I’m looking forward to my FET! I can feel my mindset changing. I can actually ‘Think-Baby’ again, and I’m even interested in getting healthy!!!!  I am starting Pilates from next week and I am making more of an effort with my diet.

So who knows gals!

All I can say is GOODBYE CRAPPY 2009! HELLO 2010!!!!!

What a weekend!

What a great weekend! It has easily been the busiest weekend I have had in a long time.

Here’s how it went.

Saturday

• We both wake up at 7:30 so I can leave by 8:30.
• DJ leaves to go to the birthday of  his assistants two year old daughter.
• I leave to go and watch my BFF’s son in his first play. He was a cowboy!
• Arrive in Florida at 9am – Watch the very cute play until 10am.
• Feel really teary by the end of the play.
• Rush off and have a small cry on my drive home.
• Phone my mom and Joni because I am feeling down…..Feel a bit better.
• Sweep and wash down the garage floor, while I wait for DJ to get back from the party.
• DJ gets back.
• We and visit my mom and have some lovely rye crisp breads. (Make mental note, must by rye crisp bread for home.)
• Go from my mom’s house to collect some beautiful wrought iron outside furniture.
• Load the furniture on the back of DJ’s bakkie.
• Realize that it won’t all fit and we’ll have to make another trip next weekend.
• Drive home very carefully.
• Get home and unload the 2 pool loungers and chairs.
• Go to the shop to buy some meat and wine to have a braai. Look for the red wine we had at bookclub (Cafe Culture) but can’t find it.
• Get the DVD Angels and Demons to watch after the braai.
• Go home and have a glass of wine under the gazebo.
• Have braai, watch movie, collapse into bed.

Sunday

• Wake up at 8:30 for some unknown reason.
• Get up have French toast and watch an episode of Will and Grace.
• Go the my old office to pick up a desk an cabinet.
• Figure out that the cabinet is VERY heavy and call a security guard to help.
• Load everything on the bakkie and drive home.
• Unload the desk, but quickly learn that it is too wide to fit up our stairs.
• DJ takes desk apart, moves it upstairs and re assembles it.
• Unload cabinet.
• Measure width of stairs to make sure it will fit.
• After lots of pushing and pulling  we get to the top of the stairs only to realize that the cabinet is too big because we haven’t taken the door frame into account.
• Start taking the very heavy cabinet back down the stairs.
• Loose my footing, cabinet slides down the stairs at full speed breaking a tile and crashing into my thighs (I now have two LOVELY bruises)
• We decide that the cabinet shall live in the garage.
• DJ kicks the cabinet out of frustration and hurts his toe….
• We take the cabinet to the garage and realise that we have to get rid of some junk in there.
• We load it all into the bakkie and take it to the dump.
• Not a word is spoken between the two of us as we are simply exhausted.
• Get home, have some wine and watch Four Weddings and a funeral.
• Make supper, watch two episodes of friends.
• Fall in to bed.

Needless to say my body is very very sore.

Dare I say it!!

Hmmmm, I think things may be looking up.

The biggest worry in doing my FET was finding work that kept me in SA and I must say that it seems my efforts are paying off. I’ve been doing some networking and chatting to connections I used to work with ages ago and it seems that the opportunities are coming my way.

I’ve also joined a networking organisation called BNI, which I am totally sold on. The referrals I’m getting are so worth getting up early every Tuesday to meet.

I really just hope that all this continues. I’m trying to make up my mind if this is just luck or if my efforts have really paid off. I guess time will tell.

Oh and I must say that working from home is friggin awesome. I’m not sure who loves it more, me or my dogs.

For my Sista’s

Shaz’s post really spoke to me the other day. It took me back to the beginning of the year, when we were all in a different place. It made me think about the friendships that have been formed along the way and how special they really are. This may be mushy……but gals this is for you!!

I can never fully know your pain because it’s yours.

You can never fully know my pain because it’s mine.

But I thank God for your friendship every day, because you’re closer to knowing than most.

And even if I can’t fully know your pain I recognise of it.

I recognise the sadness,

Loneliness,

Anger,

the frustration and hope.

Sometimes, I don’t know what to say.

Sometimes, I can only imagine the place you are in.

Sometimes, I say the wrong thing.

But my heart only wants success and happiness for you in any form.

One day, somehow, we will find that place!

And where ever that place is….we’ll celebrate!

This is dedicated to the wonderful woman that I have cried, laughed and drank loads of wine with

And an extra dedication goes to Joni, as she celebrates her sweet son Adam.

2009 = Failure

This is not a melodramatic-oh-poor-me post. I’m not looking for a pick me up or pity, I just feel shit! That is the only way I can explain it. Shit, shit, shit! And I have to get it out!

When I look back at 2009 I can only see failure. I really don’t know where everything went wrong, but it seems that it did and I am now sitting in a bad bad place. Sure I have had weeks when I have felt a bit better, but generally from my birthday (the day I had my third beta) my life seems to have gone from bad to worse. Or at least that is how I feel!

Fail point number one: My first miscarriage!

When I think about it it makes me want to cry. I still can’t really believe that it happened, and even though I know that I was just a statistic and I played no part in it happening, I still somehow feel like I have failed. No amount of telling me that it is not true seems to help. It hurt so much at the time and the hurt seems to have surfaced again. I suspect that it has something to do with how far I would be in my pregnancy now. Yet no big tummy, no baby room prepared…….

Fail point two: Closure of one of our businesses

Okay, this was mainly due to our business partners not pulling their weight. But in the end…failure! A project failed with so much wasted time and work that went into it. What a waste!

Fail point three: I started smoking again.

I have no good reason, but I am certainly disappointed in myself.

What is left is an really bitter feeling. I’m not sure if I have lost all faith in humanity and trust in the human race. I’m not sure if I need to toughen up or if I can justify these feelings. Maybe something in between.

What I do know is that my body is taking strain….The Shingles are back!

Why I prefer national business travel!

So I’m in Durban at the moment! I arrived here last night and flew in from Lanseria!

While unpacking my suitcase I realize a few things about national travel versus international travel. It’s so much better ….for me.

1. I can call my husband freely from my cellphone and not have to wait for him to come onto skype.

2. I can still watch my favourite TV programs.

3. I have local currency, which make life a little more comfortable, especially when you forgot to pack your face cream.

4. I don’t have to wait two hours for SA to wake up so I can speak to them.

5. The flight doesn’t destroy your energy levels.

I definitely prefer this!

ICLW

Welcome welcome welcome!

Pull up a chair and make yourself comfortable.

We started our journey in 2003. I when off the pill and started to experience major period pain. We discovered later that this was because I had stage four endo….

Our FS at that time suggested a few timed cycles with clomid, but nothing happened.

My mom then suggested we have a second opinion – Just for fun! So we did!

My second laparoscope in 2004 showed extremely damaged tubes. Our FS sent us straight to IVF!!

By this stage we had also discovered that my FSH was high – 15. So when my first IVF failed we had the donor egg talk with my FS. At this stage it was just a possiblity. After my second failed IVF my FS sat us down and gave us the ‘official’ donor chat! What I loved about this FS was that he was so honest, even though the honesty hurt. He told us that from what he had seen, my egg quality was not good.

IVF one: 5 eggs, Two embryos.

IVF two: 7 eggs, One embryo.

So we went onto the waiting list and did an egg share the following year, unfortunately NONE of the donors eggs fertilized so we had to cancel the cycle. We took a loooooong break after that. We needed it!

In May this year I got my first BFP ever from my second donor cycle. Unfortuneatly we miscarried at seven weeks. It’s the most heartbreaking event I have ever had to endure.

We have four frosties from our last cycle. FET in Jan/Feb. Lets see what happens.

I’m so scared!

What do you expect from a donor agency?

So I’ve been thinking a lot about what we should expect from a donor agency. I must say that the answer isn’t clear in my mind yet, but I would love to know what other people think and feel.

Lets talk about the cost. Yes it is high, my first reaction to this was one of surrender. What can you do! If it’s my only option, I’m really not going to argue about it.

Then I thought about it, some more and came to another conclusion. To justify this charge  the agency must have a lot of running costs to cover. I’m sure that advertising space does not come cheap and there must be a lot of admin to be covered. Then there is keeping in contact with the donors and staying in touch with the recipients. Fertility clinics do not recruit donors anymore because it is too much work. So surely there must be a lot of time that needs to be accounted for.

I thought that finding donors could be compared to recruiting the perfect candidate in a recruitment agency. Most people may say that R20 000 is a lot to pay for a recruitment agency to find you a candidate that will fill a junior management position. However, having had some experience in this I would say that it is justified.

In order to find this person I must,

• Advertise a lot. Then I’d have to sift through all the CV’s I received to shortlist a few possible candidates.
• Then I must phone each of them and set up an interview which will last about 30 minutes per candidate.
• After that I need to check their references and further shortlist the candidates I now have.
• These candidates will them be recommended to the client and will possibly be chosen to come in for an interview.

If I look at it this way then yes, I can see that the cost would be justified. However then I would expect my agency to;

• Provide me with a donor that I am comfortable with, for example, age, features, health etc.
• Provide me with a donor that has a good medical history and is in good health.
• Provide me with a donor that is reliable.
• Provide me with a donor that gives me the best chance possible at a pregnancy.
• Assure me that you will be in contact with my donor throughout my cycle, leaving me with minimal stress.

Food for thought. What do you think?

Exploring my thoughts.

Hubby and I had a small argument last night, and I’m trying to process our reactions. It had to do with the series Brothers and Sisters and a comment DH made while we were watching this weeks episode.

The offspring of one of the brothers had been conceived through the donation of sperm by one of the the other two brothers. Up until this episode the brothers had no idea which brother was the sperm donor, but when the conceived child fell ill they needed to find out. So my husband makes the comment, “Oh now that they know which brother it is they better watch out that the wife and donor don’t run off together” WHAT!!!!

Okay, let me start this by saying that I know it was a stupid comment, and I also know that a few glasses of wine had contributed to the STUPIDNESS of this comment. But come on people!!! Needless to say I reacted very badly, he told me I was over reacting and I went to bed.

This morning hubby still maintains that I was overreacting, saying that “It was just a show” Well yes I know that it is just a show, that wasn’t the part that bugged me. It bugged me that we have gone through two DE IVF’s and he can’y understand why that comment would hurt me.

So this morning I am exploring why. I admit it was an overreaction on my part, but it really pushed a button in me. I’m thinking that even though we have come this far down the road, using a donor is still a very sensitive and private topic for me. Yes, I have processed the issues to a certain extend, but I think that some of the my issues can only be dealt with to a point.

For example, I have accepted my ‘fate’ and I’m really grateful for the option, but I’m still sad that I can’t use my eggs. I can never be fully happy about it, and I’ll always wonder why and be little pissed off at the hand I’ve been dealt. Society puts a lot of emphasis on the importance of genetics and I do understand why, but it still seems shallow to me. Maybe, I’m a little pissed off with the norms that society dictates to us. Actually I am…..