Decisions Decisions.

I have been thinking of starting the BCP for my FET in September instead of August.

Firstly I am pooping scared! Scared of what? Firstly scared that it won’t work and then scared that if it works we will miscarry again.

Miscarriage has certainly changed my feelings about a BFP. I’ll definitely be excited, but I have given family STRICT instruction not to pass out any happy news until we get a heartbeat.

It was just so uncomfortable to have to tell people the bad news. I felt like a moron. I know I shouldn’t feel like a moron – but I did!

It’s like “Yay, I’m pregnant!” and then “Sorry guys false alarm!”

The second reason for the postponement is the business. Boy has it been stressful. I have been marketing my ass off to make sure that next year we have some secured work. I just want that extra month to make sure that we are gonna be okay. The last thing I want is to deal with the stress of a possible bust business while I am pregnant (positive thinking).

But then on second thought I wonder if I should just go for it. Is one month really going to make a difference?

Maybe I should JUST DO IT! Like pulling off a plaster. After all the success of this FET has already been determined. Is it really going to make a difference if I wait one more month?

Advice please……

Depressed

OK – I’ll admit it! I am depressed.
But who can blame me. It’s been very rough lately.

I do realise that just yesterday my post was positive, but I just know that this is how my depression must be dealt with.  I must get myself up and going before I fall into the deep hole I know so well.

I have lots of experience with depression. I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 16 and put on prozac. Since then I have experienced the ups and downs of depression many times. I am and have been on Fluoxetine for a long long time, and believe me I have tried to come off it but I just land up in the same place – depressed. In the pit of blackness where nothing seems exciting and the world is full of gloom and doom.  Depression is also a very misunderstood topic. How lucky am I to be blessed with two socially misunderstood conditions. Maybe I’m special!!!

The big “D” is not my friend, I hate being depressed. Not being able to get yourself to do anything. Feeling like nothing really makes you happy and relying on Fat Bastard Chardonnay to make me feel better.

And now for the whine!

This situation is just so crap. My best friend may announce her second pregnancy on Thursday and I just don’t know if I can handle it. It’s just not fair. I don’t understand why this had to happen to us. In fact, to anyone, it’s so sick.

My greatest fear is that we are going to lose, and I mean loose completely. I can’t cope with the thought of no children. It really really scares me. I really really cannot imagine living without children. What kind of life would that be? It just doesn’t seem to make sense to me. That thought is rejected.

Anyway, what can you do about depression? Nothing. Just wait for it to pass. Blagh!

Spicing it up!

Well the month of June has been a tough month. The grief has been tough, but I do feel that I am on my way to great emotional health. I have really let it all hang out this month. I have done lots of smoking and drinking, and had loads of late nights. In a way it was what I needed to do. I always hit the wine after a failed IVF. It’s really not the best way to deal with it. But hey! What exactly is the best way? I say – do whatever keeps you sane.

Thinking about going into July has got me pondering some changes I need to make. The over indulgence has to stop. So from today I start my alcohol free week days and NO MORE SMOKING! I’m not going to put myself on a diet, but I am going to make sure I am having less junk and more fruits, veg etc. I also have a few other things that I am going to throw into the mix.

Rieke
My FIL’s girlfriend is a Reiki master and she has agreed to do a few sessions with me. Which I am looking forward to. I really want to get my emotions sorted out before the FET and I think this would help.

My new thing
I love entertaining! Yesterday I had my mom, FIL and his girlfriend around for Sunday lunch. I made Mousaka and we sat around and chatted sipping on good wine. It was fabulous. I really enjoyed making and serving the mousaka, and I really want to experiment with some new recipes. So I have decided to try out one new recipe per month and test it on my friends. So my new thing is to have a dinner party once per month and invite a different couple every month.

Movie Night
I reckon one Movie night per week would be awesome, even every second week. So hubby and I are going to try this out. We’ll pick a night when there is nothing good on TV and go and watch the early movie. I find it so relaxing and I think that it would be good for our relationship too.

So goodbye June and hello July! One month closer to FET.

A light hearted post.

The jacket with a very low self esteem.

It was my husbands birthday earlier this month and he got a Woolworths voucher from my mom.

This is what he bought!

Well not this exact item, but an item like it!

I can’t tell you how much I hate these jackets. They make me cringe and remind my of  “The Jerry Springer show”. I don’t quite know why though. I just don’t get the point of them. If you are cold why not put on A PROPER JACKET. Not half a jacket.

I call ‘it’ the jacket with a low self esteem. I mean if you are going to be a jacket be a whole jacket, not just part of a jacket.  Ai!!! (And that is my sense of humour)

While in Woolworths negotiating the purchase I pleaded even begged him not to buy it. But he refused to listen to me and bought it anyway. Sadly I know that it will now just hang in the cupboard, as I have made it clear that he is not allowed to wear it in my presence. (See there is the brat in me!)

FYI – There are clothes that I have that he equally hates that I don’t wear anymore.

So who likes the jacket!!!

Please tell me what the point is? Maybe I am missing out

Those baby clothes.

Last night while lying in bed trying to drift off into sleepy land a thought entered my head.

You know those clothes……
Those baby clothes that are hiding somewhere in a box or cupboard or draw. I’m sure lots of us have them. I have a draw full. It got opened briefly while I was pregnant and it has been closed ever since.

My thought is, when you finally get a baby to put clothes on, will you loose those clothes. I haven’t made a decision yet but for the first time last night I wondered if maybe I shouldn’t.

Should I maybe have fresh – new – happy clothes for the maybe baby. Or should I use the old IVF1 – IVF2 – IVF3 clothes. (There was no clothes buying in IVF4)

Do you know what I mean?
What do you think?
What would you do?

Edited to add: Thanks for the replies. After having put more thought to it I think that it is something that I will only be able to decide later. As in when I am actually pregnant and in the third trimester.  However at this moment I am leaning towards keeping a few items in a memory box and donating the rest. But I reserve the right to change my mind.

The couch

On Thursday afternoon I went back to the clinic to have my office hysteroscope, just to make sure that the D&C left no scarring. While I was sitting on that couch in the waiting room where I always seem to sit I realised how much has happened in the last few months and how many different emotions I have felt sitting on that couch.
I remember sitting on that couch and feeling so good because I was pregnant. I have never ever felt as good as I did in those first couple of days. I felt like I had conquered the world, which in a way I had. It was my happy ending after six years of shit. Six years of watching friends fall pregnant all around me. Six years of tears and anger, of highs and lows. On that coach on that day I was so high on happiness. No one could touch me.
Little did I know that I would feel terrified on my next visit, which also happened to be my birthday (urgh). Sitting there having just had my blood drawn, for the tenth time, waiting the prescribed 45 minutes for my third beta. The number that can bring you right down from that high you were on. The number that caused me to spend the rest of my birthday under my duvet crying.
A lot of emotion has been experienced on that couch. That couch can be terrifying, intimidating, inviting and bloody fantastic!
The hysterscope showed a beautifully healed uterus, hopefully capable of holding onto a little embryo in September. We also got the results of the D&C back. No genetic problems and it was a little boy.
I love you my little Benjamin. To me you were so real even if it was for such a short time. I’m sorry you couldn’t stay. I will never forget you.
I get to sit on the couch again in August when I have to be scanned between CD2 and CD4. Then we started again. BCP in August and hopefully transfer of two frosties in September.

I believe!

Over the weekend I have had lots of opportunity to update my friends and family with the news of our plan forward. I started off with my dad and then my best friend. They both asked me how I feel about the FET and both times my reply was that I was on the fence about it’s success.

If the FET doesn’t work we’ll go on to a fresh cycle, and I have noticed that I keep mentioning this to everyone. As if I have already decided that this FET is not going to work. This became more obvious to me after I had repeated the story a few times, and two other comments from a friend and my mom really made me think.

The first comment was from a fellow IF friend. I was telling her how I was sure that we would ‘win’ on the next two attempts. She smiled at me and corrected me by saying that I would not need the fresh cycle.

Then last night I was speaking to my mom on the phone, I was telling her about what this friend said and she totally agreed. She said “Well if you are going to be negative about it you may as well throw the embryo’s away and just do a fresh cycle” Her comment actually shocked me a little, but ultimately woke me up and helped me to realise – I need to be into this! I have to get off the fence.

Now, I’m not saying that I need to be ‘Miss positive-pants’. It’s more like I need to give this FET a chance. It doesn’t hurt to fall down the rabbit hole again and just let myself go. It will do me no harm. If I get a BFN, so what! I’ll be really upset and then I’ll move on.It’s not going to hurt me less if I was negative to start with.

So here I go, I’m going to give myself the permission to be positive.

I am going to give myself permission to be excited.

I’m going to believe!

The plan………

So, today was the day that we went for our POA as we call it.

I really didn’t think that Dr J was going to say anything different from what he had said before. And I was right.

Basically the ‘missed abortion’ as he puts it (I really hate that term) could have happened at any time on my TTC journey. The main thing to remember is that there is ‘no need for alarm’.

I have some (URGH) travelling to do. So we are going to do an FET in September. We have four embryos apparently 5, 6, 7 and 8 cells. Dr J said we can probably expect attribution of 30%. I will be happy with two embryos to put back.

We are also going to use intralipids this time.

So lets see…..Maybe we win, maybe we don’t.

I am not negative about it, just on the fence.

My idea……and a free giveaway.

Lately I have been thinking. I want to help other women who are dealing with infertility. I’ve wanted to do it for a long time and have become very passionate about it. I feel that I have a lot to offer in the areas of empathy and understanding when it comes to infertility. I know what it feels like and I have experienced a lot of the different aspects of fertility. Infertility has become part of my life. It has touched me deeply and I don’t think that I will ever forget my experience or lose the insights that I have gained as a result.

So last week I was surfing the net while doing some business research and I stumbled upon a very interesting site.  The sites purpose was to market a woman’s coaching practise. And on closer inspection I noticed that this woman specialised in Fertility coaching. Interesting! And this was when I started to get excited.

Do you know that I am a certified Life Coach?

I checked the idea out with a few people close to me and I definitely got the thumbs up.

So who can guess what my idea is?

I want to start building a coaching practise that focuses on helping woman who are currently dealing with infertility. I figure I have the skills and I do have something to offer.

For those of you that aren’t familiar with what coaching actually is…………

What is coaching?

Coaching allows an individual to realise their potential and move their life forward with positive and powerful results.

“A coach is a person who supports people (clients) to achieve their goals, with goal setting, encouragement and questions. Unlike a counsellor or mentor, a coach rarely offers advice. Instead, a coach helps clients to find their own solutions, by asking questions that give them insight into their situations. A coach holds a client accountable, so if a client agrees to a plan to achieve a goal, a coach will help motivate them to complete their plan.” Wikipedia

A coach is like………

A mentor: Someone who believes in you and helps you to set and reach big goals.

A manager: Someone who monitors you and helps you over the hurdles.

A personal trainer: To keep you moving

A sports coach: To help you “perfect your game” through constructive feedback.

A coaching series runs over a course of three months, using a one-on-one session every week. These sessions may be run face-to-face or over the telephone according to the clients preference.

So now for the give away……

I am offering one three month coaching session to someone who thinks that they may benefit from Fertility Coaching. Hopefully the experience will be helpful to you and you will be able to give me a good reference. If you are keen you can e-mail me on ssskrambled@gmail.com.

For anyone wanting to get a taste of what coaching is I always offer a free trial session to anyone interested.

What do you think?

Edited to add: I am in JHB.

Who reads Skrambled?

I’m curious…..

I know that I don’t have a HUGE audience. But I do know that a lot of you don’t comment.

So I’d like to know….

Who are you?

How did you find me?

Why do you read skrambled?

If you don’t feel like commenting you are welcome to e-mail me on ssskrambled@gmail.com

Speak to me…